Leaning on these poisoned gates,
Pushing, pushing until they give way
Pieces of my soul chipping away,
Conscience eroding, fading
Losing my way.
Love and compassion melting away,
Wax in place of what was once clay,
Losing patience by the day.
Pushing away love, embracing pain.
Changing, hardening in every way,
Becoming this person,
Who has lost faith.
photo credit: hkvcares.org
It always starts from your mole, when I remember you. Then it moves to the shape of your lips and then the sound of your voice. I remember as clearly as if it was just yesterday and not over a decade ago, how you’d made me feel so alive. I remember the zing from when we first danced and the way my heart sang when we first kissed. I remember the way yours beat wildly. I remember this with a clarity that I wish I could have when I try to remember your face. The face that had been so very precious to me, and now is lost in the shadows of my memory. I can’t remember your face anymore, but I remember the deep brown of your eyes. I remember how they would make me shy one minute and bold the next. I remember how much taller you were than me, how you towered over me when we stood beside each other and watched football practice. I remember you. Every time my heart breaks, I remember you and say ‘if losing you didn’t kill me, well neither will this.’
She turned her head to the sound as the public address system announced a one hour delay for the third time that evening. Her shoulders slumped and she sank further into her seat. The cold bit her ears and she wished that she’d thought to carry a scarf. Her friends had warned her about this airline, they were notorious for these kinds of delays, but this was the cheapest flight that was available for the day and she was low on funds. She should have booked earlier on a more reliable airline. It would have been cheaper. Her stomach made loud growling noises and she was embarrassed when the guy sitting beside her turned to look at her. She was sure he’d heard it. She had exactly two thousand naira in her wallet, enough to get her home if her brother Arinze wasn’t there to get her when she landed at MM2. She brought out her phone to kill some time browsing. The homepage of her browser loaded halfway, and then she got a notification from her service providers that her data bundle was exhausted. Bad things really did happen in multiples! The guy beside her chuckled a little, got up and walked away. She felt like throwing her phone at him, sure that he’d seen the embarrassing notification just as he’d heard her growling stomach. What he must think of her!! He wasn’t much older than her, or the most attractive guy she’d seen but he had a good gait and his jeans sat nicely. Her eyes followed him until he entered the food court. She closed her eyes, maybe she would be able to get some sleep. She had nothing any sensible thief would want to steal anyway, being as broke as she was. Going home after each semester was always the same. She had barely closed her eyes when she felt him return and take his seat beside her.
‘eat this,’ he said and she opened her eyes to see he’d gotten her some pastries and a bottle of coke. His voice was a smooth thing dented by an American accent. She started to decline when he took her hand and shook his head. It was such an audacious thing for a complete stranger to do, and after a few long moments, she accepted.
‘you can use my wifi too, the password’s password.’ This time, she didn’t object. They sat for the rest of the time in easy silence and when the PAS finally announced that her flight was boarding, he smiled and said, ‘it was an honour to wait with you, I hope we’ll meet again one day.’ She got up, thanked him and left, hoping too that they would.
They say that this one is a keeper,
A real gem,
But can a person really be kept?
In the end how are we left?
They say this one is realer,
Better than the ex,
But if people can’t be kept,
Then what comes next?
They say this one is forever,
It will pass every test,
But if he changes later,
What have I kept?
You came to me as a ray of light
taking away my complete loneliness
your galvanized smile engulfing my sadness
but every heart is full of fears
and every life full of tears.
When your name comes to mind
the fears go away
and the tears taste sweet.
I will not leave this midway
and this bond, our bond
will forever be heard.
My gem, my star.
I sat and looked for the words that would describe it and I found none. It wasn’t for me like a coudre fou. And yet it wasn’t like gentle waves stealing over me. It was just. It just was. It was the thing that I could not explain, could not deny. It was the thing I could not accept. It was the end of an era; the time when I saw you as only friend. It was the beginning of a new torment. It was seeing sunshine in your hair and rainbows in your smile. It was loss. It was the bits of me that bits of you eroded. It was gain. Painful gain. It was the bits of you that lodged in my heart, making it beat faster. Thump after painful thump. It was realization, seeing that I hadn’t lost the ability to be lost in someone and to be happily so. Then it was real pain. The one that came with knowing that you could not feel the squeezing that my everything squeezed when I found that you weren’t here with me. That you couldn’t be here with me, in this place where everything was woven in a fabric of an us. Like the lightning that didn’t strike you, I was hit with a pain that my soul felt when finally common sense ruled its judgement, forcing me to let go. To let you go. It was the many bleak days that I sat picking out the pieces of you that were lodged in the places where pieces of me had once lived happily. It was the way that the newly empty spaces bled black. It has been an uphill climb, finding new pieces that are mine to patch up the leaking spaces. It has been educating. I have learned to move forward. I have learned.
He eases off unto the dirt road to the left, sighing deeply and wondering when he would eventually find it. It’s his fortieth birthday and he wonders which angel had been assigned the task of hiding the rib that would complete him, that would fill the hole in his chest that throbs every time he’s alone in his spacious home or when he passes lovers in the street happy in their love. Where could this his rib be? Was it hidden in a place that resonates with the vibrations of his time? Or has an angel chosen to throw it in the pool where time and love mix into the forms of whole people and into the chest of a woman from a different age? Has she been born? Or would it be years before she takes her first breath? Was she born in the decades before or after his own birth? Would he recognize her? Would she smell like someone he has once met? He drives on hoping that soon he will find what he has spent most of his four decades looking for. Hoping that soon he will drive all the way to her and finally be home.