Unrequited

I sat and looked for the words that would describe it and I found none. It wasn’t for me like a coup de foudre. And yet it wasn’t like gentle waves stealing over me. It was just. It just was. It was the thing that I could not explain, could not deny. It was the thing I could not accept. It was the end of an era; the time when I saw you as only friend. It was the beginning of a new torment. It was seeing sunshine in your hair and rainbows in your smile. It was loss. It was the bits of me that bits of you eroded. It was gain. Painful gain. It was the bits of you that lodged in my heart, making it beat faster. Thump after painful thump. It was realization, seeing that I hadn’t lost the ability to be lost in someone and to be happily so. Then it was real pain. The one that came with knowing that you could not feel the squeezing that my everything squeezed when I found that you weren’t here with me. That you couldn’t be here with me, in this place where everything was woven in a fabric of an us. Like the lightning that didn’t strike you, I was hit with a pain that my soul felt when finally common sense ruled its judgement, forcing me to let go. To let you go. It was the many bleak days that I sat picking out the pieces of you that were lodged in the places where pieces of me had once lived happily. It was the way that the newly empty spaces bled black. It has been an uphill climb, finding new pieces that are mine to patch up the leaking spaces. It has been educating. I have learned to move forward. I have learned.

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