I sat and looked for the words that would describe it and I found none. It wasn’t for me like a coudre fou. And yet it wasn’t like gentle waves stealing over me. It was just. It just was. It was the thing that I could not explain, could not deny. It was the thing I could not accept. It was the end of an era; the time when I saw you as only friend. It was the beginning of a new torment. It was seeing sunshine in your hair and rainbows in your smile. It was loss. It was the bits of me that bits of you eroded. It was gain. Painful gain. It was the bits of you that lodged in my heart, making it beat faster. Thump after painful thump. It was realization, seeing that I hadn’t lost the ability to be lost in someone and to be happily so. Then it was real pain. The one that came with knowing that you could not feel the squeezing that my everything squeezed when I found that you weren’t here with me. That you couldn’t be here with me, in this place where everything was woven in a fabric of an us. Like the lightning that didn’t strike you, I was hit with a pain that my soul felt when finally common sense ruled its judgement, forcing me to let go. To let you go. It was the many bleak days that I sat picking out the pieces of you that were lodged in the places where pieces of me had once lived happily. It was the way that the newly empty spaces bled black. It has been an uphill climb, finding new pieces that are mine to patch up the leaking spaces. It has been educating. I have learned to move forward. I have learned.
He eases off unto the dirt road to the left, sighing deeply and wondering when he would eventually find it. It’s his fortieth birthday and he wonders which angel had been assigned the task of hiding the rib that would complete him, that would fill the hole in his chest that throbs every time he’s alone in his spacious home or when he passes lovers in the street happy in their love. Where could this his rib be? Was it hidden in a place that resonates with the vibrations of his time? Or has an angel chosen to throw it in the pool where time and love mix into the forms of whole people and into the chest of a woman from a different age? Has she been born? Or would it be years before she takes her first breath? Was she born in the decades before or after his own birth? Would he recognize her? Would she smell like someone he has once met? He drives on hoping that soon he will find what he has spent most of his four decades looking for. Hoping that soon he will drive all the way to her and finally be home.
In the space that is today,
I have gotten a taste of forever.
I have shared in a timeline that though may shorten with the passing days,
Will live in the continuum that is time forever.
In the place that is now,
I have glimpsed the picture of never.
Never will another day pass when I would say that I have not tasted what it is to be alive,
To be loved, to be here.
In the time that is our era,
I have heard the sound of the hereafter.
Of passions that transcend time,
Of passions that defy space.
In this here place that is my forever,
I have seen love,
I have seen pain,
I have lived true.