Two minutes to a new day
And I freeze in fear.
What will dawn bring?
What will come with the unfolding?
Will it be a glorious sunrise,
Or a cloudy day?
Will you be perfect,
Or will you be another useless stray?
Will this be the answer,
Or just another distraction?
I want this to be perfect,
I want this to be true.
But what if I’m wrong,
What if you’re not the one?
I pray for dawn,
For a breaking forth of the sun.
I hope you are the one,
Not a personality conjured in my imagination.
I hope you are the one,
The glorious rays of my rising sun.
My breaking dawn,
My the one.
If I see the world through your eyes,
Will the words be mine when I tell the stories
To describe what I see?
If everything you feel is through my hands,
Can you really still say that you have felt
The world, rough and smooth edges and all?
If the lyrics are mine when you sing,
Would it be your voice or my words that make the song?
If the lips are mine and the tongue is yours,
Who has eaten when we gorge?
If the lips are yours and the tongue is mine,
Who will stagger when we drink the wine?
If I’m the heart and you’re the lungs,
Who can take the praise for sustaining life?
If my compass points to you and yours to me,
Who is the true north, who is home?
If there’s unity between us, what does it matter?
I will be whatever part you need,
Whatever you need to function.
And I will rely on you to be my whatever too,
Eyes, tongue, blood, bone.
Like a tune in the wind, my heart searches.
Finding yours, in a melody it merges.
It knows you, it finds you with ease no matter the crevice.
Love and loyalty it pledges.
Like a bee to nectar, I am drawn to you.
Over thousands of miles and the obstacle of time, I run to you.
I will defy nature,
I will come to you.
Like a silent prayer, my heart hears your call.
In the barest whispers, my soul catches the tenderness of your voice.
I am lost, in the heady labyrinth of your sweet tender call.
I am yours.
It’s a very somber day today. They’ve called a family meeting, to judge a matter that should never have occurred in the first place. His parents are seating and shooting darts my way. His sisters are looking at me scornfully, well with the exception of the youngest one who looks at me pityingly. It seems that she’s the only one who understands, who empathizes. His aunties say I’m a witch.
My family is also seated, but they seem to blame me too. My uncles are guzzling all the drinks and beginning to speak too loudly. My mother’s head is bowed in shame. She has been told over and over that she did not raise me well. My father is angry at my husband and at me too it seems. He can’t seem to decide who has wronged his sensitivities more. My aunties are gossiping loud enough for me to hear, mocking me with every other sentence. ‘This is what you get for sending a girl to America to school, they come back feeling like goddesses’ I hear one say.
I’m exhausted and humiliated, this was not the way I had imagined marriage would be. I had expected that there would be fights, but never about this! His uncles are speaking to my dad and uncles now, and not too politely too. I drag my mind back to the present to listen to what is being said, and I’m outraged but as I am a woman I cannot speak. I cannot defend myself until they give me leave to.
His uncles say that it is within his right as my husband to correct me, even if it required that he hit me. They say that the black eye and broken lips I’m sporting are well deserved, that I brought it upon myself. My uncles murmur a bit but say nothing to refute this, so they go on with the accusations. They say it his conjugal right to have me whenever he pleases and that I had no right to say no, to wield sex as a weapon, to deprive him.
I’m exhausted and humiliated, but still I cannot find the logic in their argument. I never tried to wield anything! My husband and I had been in an argument that had not been resolved when he chose to exercise his ‘conjugal rights’ and I said no. of course I said no, and he flew into a rage. How do you give yourself passionately to someone who you desperately want to throttle at that moment? Why was he not interested in making peace first? Why was it okay for him to wield sex as a weapon and a taboo for me to do same? Why is his hitting me acceptable? Why are all the women seated here accepting this as normal, as law?
I’m exhausted and humiliated, and wondering why we’re all here giving credence to all of this nonsense. I’m exhausted and humiliated but more than that, I’m disappointed.
They say you are gone,
That I can no longer approach you with my intentions.
They say it is done,
The question’s been asked and answered;
A proposal accepted.
They say he’s presented a ring, and you’ve accepted.
They say it has a ridiculously large sparkling stone.
I feel bile rising in my throat,
And my airways tighten; I’m gasping for air.
They say it is panic, this frantic stirring in my spirit.
They say I came late.
That your heart’s his.
They say you are his.
They say that you are gone,
But how am I to go on?
If only I had spoken, said something.
A word, a sentence; anything.
They say that you are gone,
That it is done.
I sold my soul! Too many cheap things around me, where did they come
from?? I sold my soul! I must have been asleep when the years few by
because I cannot take credit for the things done in the recent past, not
possible! I sold my soul! How dare anyone insinuate that my life has come
this far without my consent, most certainly outrageous! I sold my soul!
Where am I?
For all the pretty things that caught my eyes, for all the wealth within my
grasp, how have I amounted to this pitiful state? Was I robbed by chance
or by fate? I demand an answer as this situation confuses me beyond
reasoning. Surely there must be some sort of explanation to all of these,
but will I get it? From whom? Was this self induced or just misfortune?
Surely I will get answer…will I?
I did not hear the sirens therefore I cannot allow my thoughts to stray
into uncharted territories but what if? Is it plausible that it was an inside
job? Oh no…that will simply be horrible…but yet very possible!
Hmmm…at this rate I will never get to the root of this.
For every penny spent, there was a price tag, how then were the pennies
acquired? Even more questions to be answered. Pretty, shiny and in
pink…how glamorous! White wine, red wine it must have been to have
cleared the mind of guilt. Coming to term is far more difficult than it was
described to me. It must be that I have sold that which was priceless to
I sold my soul….
I don’t usually write about stuff going on in my life, but I’m having all these interesting things happening in and outside of my head that I thought I should share. I started a diet a few months ago and I was sooooooooooooo excited. I’d gained quite a bit of beautiful extra flesh over the years and I was finally going to start doing something about losing my extra KGs besides wishing them away. So I started with this diet. It was a fruits and vegetable type diet with some exercising; can someone help me say yuck three times!! The diet had me eating ridiculous things and drinking some downright awful smoothies. Needless to say that me and that diet didn’t develop a lasting relationship!
Two weeks into that awful diet, I met a lady who introduced me to a different diet. A much yummier one. One where I get to eat all kinds of meats, butter, veggies, and many other reaaaally yummy stuff. So naturally I dumped diet A and started diet B. Diet B was awesome, and it works! Two weeks into diet B and I could already see visible changes to my body. My round face started to become oval-ish, my upper arms wiggled less when I clapped in church. I introduced exercise into my daily routine and boy was I pleased with the results!! Then I realised that all my clothes were becoming too big. So I had moved from one problem to another.
Nobody really tells you what to expect when you go on a diet. There are a few things I’ve found out you must prepare for when you decide to start any weight loss program, or at least these are the ones that I would have liked to have prepared for:
DISTRACTIONS: there are haters everywhere, you don’t believe? Go on a diet. People will discourage you, they will tell you that dieting doesn’t work and that you can’t do it. Ignore all of them, and just go ahead!
EXPENSES: if you’re going on a diet you need to be ready to spend! You will need to stock up on food that nobody else in your house is eating (trust me diet mede-mede is expensive!). Next you will need to buy new clothes because your old ones will start to look like you borrowed it from someone LARGER than you. If you are a lady I would advise that you get free dresses, they will help you transition easily.
CRAVINGS: you will miss ALL the food you can’t have, even the ones you never used to like. You will be tempted to eat everything you should be avoiding; dieting is not for the weak willed!
OUTINGS: your social life will change! When you go out with friends, you might not be able to eat or drink anything. Or you will have to drink water! Water is nice but sometimes a person just wants to drink some soda or booze. Sometimes you will feel like going home straight from work and boycott the social outings all together!
MOOD CHANGE: you will feel sexy!! Let me say that again YOU WILL FEEL SEXY! When u start fitting into old clothes again, your mood will change. You will become more confident, people will compliment you and it will feel good. Enjoy it, because you worked for it.
Well that’s all I can remember for now. If you’re going on a diet, have fun and good luck!